Funhouse by Diane Hoh

 

Here we are, with another Point Horror novel, but surprise! This time, it's not written by R.L. Stine. When I think of a funhouse, I think of the street fairs we used to have every year in May and October, pre-Covid. And that's going to be my reasoning for posting about this book now, right in the middle of both.

Totally unrelated, but if there are typos in this post, it's because I just got done "playing" Ring Fit and my arms feel like they're no longer part of my body. They're just dead. Whoever came up with Aerochute is the devil and should be punished.

I've never read this book before, so I'm basing my predictions on the description on the back cover of the book. Actually, you know what? I don't even need to read that. I bet you the main character's best friend/boyfriend/favorite teacher/parents are trying to kill her. Basically, anyone who is close to her is a suspect. That's usually how these things turn out, right? I'm excited to read this book, the cover is a lot of fun and it's completely new to me so I won't be bored knowing how things turn out. Let's see what happens.

This book begins at The Boardwalk, an amusement park along the coast of Southern California. Immediately, we're introduced to 200 different characters, but our main character is Tess and her BFF is Gina. Gina is interested in a guy named Doss, but apparently she's already dating someone whose nickname is Beak. She justifies two-timing him by saying, "How would you like to date a guy named Beak?" LIKE DOSS IS ANY BETTER?? Really, Gina? All that aside, Tess is way too opinionated about who is or isn't better for Gina when she's got her own guy problems with Sam. Listen, I'm seven pages into this book and I already think Tess is a pretty miserable protagonist so I hope she sorts her attitude out soon.

Funhouse wastes no time getting into the action. The Devil's Elbow rollercoaster derails and crashes to the ground, crushing a young child and their mother. Okay, so it's that kind of book. (Please don't let any animals die.) In the chaos, a figure dressed in all black and a SKI MASK (totally subtle, not the least bit suspicious) sneaks away from the rollercoaster. Looks like this was no accident. Who would want to derail a rollercoaster though? Tess notices this creep and even she thinks it's strange that they're walking away from the scene of the "accident" instead of trying to help.

Whoever this person is, they think the people on the rollercoaster deserved to die. If I had to guess right now, based on the limited information I have, I'm going to say the killer is Beak. The kids gave him that nickname because they were mocking his appearance, it kind of makes sense, if you're totally unhinged. (Bullying is wrong, killing people in retaliation is also wrong.) Three people were either killed or badly injured in the "accident" and the murderer thinks, "Three out of eight." So we'll have five more victims? If the killer is Beak, is it safe to assume Tess, Gina, Doss and Sam are next? Let's throw Mr. Dart, the history teacher who makes inappropriate comments to his students, in there, too.

Here's the thing...These kids are all standing around, thinking there's something they can do to help the paramedics, when all they're really doing is being nosy and getting in the way. Tess, Sam, Gina, Doss and Beak are all accounted for. I'm still sticking with Beak as the killer though. He could have circled back around after ditching the ski mask. There are more characters...I guess I'd better just list all of them in case they end up being important at some point.

Sam has a sister named Candace. Tess has a brother named Guy Joe Jr. (no, I'm not kidding). Guy Joe Jr. lives with their father, Guy Joe Sr., and Tess lives with their stepmother, Shelley, who recently separated from her father and is about to leave for a two week vacation to Europe, meaning Tess will be alone at their condo located deep in the woods. A+ parenting. The three [main] victims of the rollercoaster sabotage were Dade (dead), Sheree (disfigured) and Joey (lost his left leg). If this book introduces ONE more character, I'm going to pretend they don't exist. It's only 163 pages long, how many characters does it actually need? Apparently one more! Trudy, the daughter of the chairman of the board of The Boardwalk. There have been three more names mentioned in the next paragraph and I'm officially moving on.

Tess tells her friends about the shadow she saw running away from the scene of the crime and, even though she doesn't know who it is, she thinks the way they moved looks familiar. Nothing about how they moved, but it's different enough to be noticeable without being different enough to help her identify the person. Thanks for nothing, Tess.

We learn that the killer found a diary in their attic, written by Lila O'Hare, a person they don't know. Lila was married to a man named Tully who used to own The Boardwalk...Before the killer's father and his friends bought it. The O'Hares were in danger of losing The Boardwalk and were going to see a man named Buddy about a loan. That's all that's revealed through the journal entries for now. It would be too obvious if the killer is Trudy, since she's the only character we know of so far whose father is involved with The Boardwalk, but it's not like it would be the first time the most obvious suspect turned out to be the killer. For now, Beak is still my main suspect.

Tess goes home, and through a phone call with Gina, we find out that Tess and Gina's fathers are also on the board of the amusement park. Tess asks her if there was ever an accident like this at The Boardwalk before and Gina tells her that something happened in the Funhouse. After the girls hang up, Tess notices a piece of paper has been slipped under her door. There's a poem about Dade, Sheree and Joey, hinting that Tess could be next.

Through another series of journal entries, it's revealed that Buddy turned down the O'Hares because he and his friends decided they wanted to take The Boardwalk away from them. This is all an assumption on my part, but I have a pretty good feeling that the killer is going after the families who stole The Boardwalk from the O'Hares, even though their own father was part of it. What makes no sense is killing the children of those families when they weren't responsible for any of this. And! They sent an ENTIRE ROLLERCOASTER flying off the tracks. Other people who had no involvement in this entire thing were injured, too. Taking The Boardwalk away from the O'Hares was a nasty thing to do, but maybe this person should take a look in the mirror because what they're doing is worse.

The next day, Tess brings the note to the police, only for one of them to make sexist, condescending remarks and completely dismiss her concerns. On top of that, when she asks for her note back, he refuses to give it to her. I hate this man. Even Gina, her best friend, doesn't take her seriously. Still, Gina tells Tess that she asked her father about the incident at the Funhouse. Years ago, a man committed suicide in there. That would be Tully, who killed himself thinking that his wife and unborn child would get the insurance money. (He was wrong.)

Gina's dad asks her to get her friends together and go to The Boardwalk, to show everyone it's "safe." God forbid he should lose money after the tragedy that occurred there a couple nights ago. Tess reluctantly agrees and Gina thanks her by saying she's so "uptight," they can skip the rides and hang out inside the Funhouse. You know, where she just told Tess someone died. This girl is an absolute idiot. Sidenote, Beak and Sam's parents are also on the board of directors.

The entire group of kids (I refuse to list them all, there's too many) make their way through the Funhouse and when they exit, Tess realizes her car keys are missing. Gina volunteers to go back inside and look for them. She's either going in there to die or she's the killer. Why do I think she's the killer? Because she hasn't been considerate towards Tess once in the fifty-six pages I've read so far. Why start now? Doss and Trudy keep complaining about Gina having to look for Tess' keys until she finally goes back inside the Funhouse to help search for them. Hmm. If Gina is the killer, now would be the perfect time for her to get rid of Tess.

Okay, so it isn't Gina. Tess hears a scream and runs through the Funhouse, where she sees part of the flooring has been removed and Gina fell through to the sand waaaaay down below. The actual killer is mad. They slipped Tess' keys out of her back pocket so she would go back inside and look for them, she was supposed to be the one who fell. Another journal entry is revealed, where Buddy offers to give Lila's baby away to another family. He says Lila will never be able to get a job and support her baby, but his friends, who want a child more than anything, can. This is starting to make sense. Whoever the killer is must be Lila's child, which is why the journal is in their house (even though that's so stupid, it's evidence of what these people did to the O'Hares). That's why they're after revenge.

Good news? I guess? Gina isn't dead, she's just unconscious and her leg is broken. Can we talk about something? The part of the floor that was missing was there the first time the group walked through the Funhouse. Which you would think means whoever came out last was the person to remove it. Beak, Sam and Guy Joe followed Tess out of there, but I have a hard time believing it was one of them because they still would have had to move pretty quickly to remove the floor. (It's kind of troubling that it's that easy to remove part of the floor in the Funhouse. That place definitely isn't safe.)

The killer said three out of eight earlier, right? Let's do a check of who we know is related to the board. Tess, Gina, Sam, Beak and Trudy. They're all potential victims. Who is our killer then? There must be a ninth board member. Whose family is it? Doss? Just because we know that Tess, Gina, Sam, Beak and Trudy all have family on the board, that doesn't necessarily mean one of them isn't the killer. It just means we don't know who the last person is yet. Earlier in the book, Gina said Doss "used to be one of us," but his father lost all his money. I'm betting Doss is the ninth person, but I don't think he's the killer.

Getting back to the story, Tess leads everyone through the Funhouse to show them where Gina fell, but of course, the floor is back to normal, nothing is out of place. Clearly Tess isn't crazy though, Gina fell through the damn hole, everyone saw her. RIGHT? No. They think Gina fell over the railing. No wonder Tess has a bad attitude, I would, too, if I was constantly having to deal with people who didn't take anything I said seriously.

Somehow, Tess comes to the conclusion that the person behind these incidents is either 1. Trying to slow business down at The Boardwalk or 2. Targeting the families of the board members. Very perceptive. Here's what I'm having trouble with. Tess says there are seven people on the board of directors and that there used to be eight, until Doss' father was forced to resign. Let's go through the list again. The killer said three out of eight were taken care of after the rollercoaster derailed. They also acknowledged their own father was on the board. It's confirmed that Dade, Joey, Sheree, Gina, Sam, Beak, Trudy and Tess are all children of the board members. That's EIGHT. Not seven. And Doss' family would have made nine. So why is Tess saying there are currently seven people on the board of directors? Did I misread something or was this an editing oversight? I need to move on so I can finish this book, but just know, I'm extremely bothered by this.

When Tess goes to visit Gina at the hospital, she learns that Gina doesn't remember anything that happened when she fell. That means she can't corroborate Tess' story about the missing floor. All of Gina's friends arrive to see her, except Doss. Tess is suspicious of him. His father was fired because of his drinking and she thinks Doss might be angry about it. I don't buy it. Who knows though. Maybe Doss is the killer. Maybe his father drank so much because he has a guilty conscience over taking someone else's child away from them. Doss eventually shows up, but now there's like, fifty kids in Gina's hospital room and the nurse tells her only two can stay. She chooses Tess and Doss and Beak is not happy about it.

Trudy is having her birthday party at The Boardwalk because she's a self-absorbed brat who doesn't care how many people were hurt there. Strangely enough, Doss tells Gina he won't go unless Tess is there. Those two aren't close, Tess doesn't even like him. This must be a red herring. If Tess goes to the party and something happens to her, she's going to be suspicious of Doss because he wanted her there. Tess agrees to go (WHY?) and says her goodbyes. 

Outside, Tess finds that all four of her tires have been slashed. Rather than go back inside the hospital and ask for a phone so she can call someone to pick her up, she decides to walk home. In the dark. Through the woods. Alone. Alone? Not alone. She can hear footsteps behind her. She tries to run, but the person chasing her knocks her off balance and she falls into a muddy hole.

Another journal entry. Buddy took Lila's baby, threatening that if she ever tried to get it back, she would go to jail. He left a check for her from the people who bought her baby. Lila tore the check up and taped the pieces to the back of the journal, along with a list of names of everyone involved. Then she killed herself...I'm starting to wonder if maybe the killer is Guy Joe, Tess' brother. He stayed behind to live with his father when Tess left to live with their stepmother, even though he doesn't like his father. It would make sense if he stayed to get revenge on him. Why try to kill Tess though? I don't know. EVERYONE IS A SUSPECT.

Tess is rescued by Trudy's father. She was pushed into his unfinished pool and had to be pulled out. He invites her inside, telling her Trudy isn't home. Tess wonders if Trudy was the one pursuing her through the woods. Who hasn't she suspected yet? Sam and Gina? Let's say the killer is one of them. (Although, if it is Gina, Diane Hoh is going to have a hell of a time explaining how she pulled that off.) The problem is, with such a large cast of characters, I feel like none of them have gotten much time in this book so they all feel too underdeveloped to be the killer. Anyway, Tess declines the invitation and asks to be taken home. I spoke too soon because when Tess gets  home, Sam is waiting for her. And he's covered in mud. Did he chase her through the woods?

It's confirmed: The killer put the pieces of the check back together and they are Lila's child, it's their father's signature on the check. Now we just need a name.

At Trudy's party, Sam asks Tess to take a walk with him and she does, even though she thinks he might be trying to kill her. She even tells him her theory about the kids of the board of directors being targeted. Why waste her breath? Either she just told the killer she's onto him, or she's given Sam another reason to think she's overreacting. Why did she even date this guy? He's the least supportive boyfriend ever. They get into another argument and Sam storms off, leaving Tess alone. And instead of going back to the party, she decides to stay by herself for a little while. Wasn't she terrified just two seconds ago? Now she's hanging out alone when someone has already threatened her? Where is the logic? In the sand, she finds a stone that looks like the ones in the high school's class rings and decides to hold onto it. Somehow, she comes to the conclusion that it fell out of the ring belonging to whoever tampered with the rollercoaster, since she found it in that area. Okay, whatever. I don't care what the stone means, I just want to know who the killer is.

When Tess rejoins the party, she sees everyone except Sam and Trudy on the ground, clearly in pain. Could it be the brownies they ate earlier were poisoned? Sam says the same thing, telling Tess he didn't eat any and neither did Trudy because she's on a diet. When the ambulance arrives, Sam hands them what's left of the brownies, telling them all the sick guests ate them. No one knows who the brownies were from, Trudy found them sitting on a picnic hamper. A doctor, who pumps the kids' stomachs, confirms the brownies were poisoned. Another theory: I think the killer probably knew the brownies wouldn't kill anyone, but they were trying to throw suspicion off themselves, so they ate one to make it look good. When Tess hears that Doss can go home since he didn't consume as much as everyone else and he's okay, she thinks exactly what I thought. Except I still don't believe Doss is the culprit. (You know, considering Dashiell Hammett is one of my favorite writers, I really suck at solving mysteries.) The doctor says none of the kids ingested enough poison to kill them and that the person responsible either didn't know what they were doing, or their intent wasn't to kill, they just wanted to make the kids suffer.

After everything that's happened, Tess finally decides to go stay with her brother and father until Shelley comes home. Who knew it wouldn't be safe out in the middle of the woods? (That's sarcasm, by the way.) Guy Joe Sr. tells Tess that he's going out and she can borrow his car, so she wants to take some yearbooks over to Gina at the hospital. While she's searching for them, she finds a class ring that's missing its stone. And her car keys. Along with a napkin from Trudy's party. Lastly, a purple marker, the same kind used to write the note she received after the rollercoaster derailed. Guy Joe Jr! I did say, at one point, that it could have been him. That maybe that's why he stayed in that house with a man he doesn't like. Granted, it's not that impressive when I suspected almost every other character in the book, too, but I'm going to consider this a win. In true "I'm a psychotic murderer" fashion, instead of just killing Tess, Guy Joe has to tell her his entire backstory.

Guy Joe drags Tess with him, telling her that they're going to see his real parents. Oh boy. This whole thing is ridiculous. I get being furious at the people who stole The Boardwalk from his parents and ruined their lives. I get wanting revenge. But his idea of revenge was to hurt their children. His friends. The girl he thought was his sister. You don't just stop caring about people because their parents did something awful.

They arrive at the amusement park and Guy Joe leads Tess to the Funhouse. On the way there, they pass by Doss, but he barely acknowledges them. (Maybe Tess should have been a little nicer to him.) Tess can't call out for help because Guy Joe threatens her. Inside the Funhouse, he tells Tess he plans to hang her and then himself. She manages to escape from him, running to where Gina fell through the floor. Removing the bit of flooring, Tess then smashes the light, casting the area in darkness. When Guy Joe comes looking for her, he falls through the floor, just as he had intended Tess to do last time. Karma.

Sam comes running into the Funhouse, telling Tess that Gina called him after receiving a package at the hospital, from Guy Joe. Inside were two journals. (Why would he send them to Gina, of all people?) Doss also called and told Sam he'd seen Tess and that Guy Joe seemed strange.

In an epilogue, Guy Joe pretends to be unconscious while listening to a conversation between the doctor and his "father." It turns out, "Buddy" is Trudy's father. And Guy Joe is going to make them suffer...

Closing thoughts? Too many characters. More suspenseful than scary. I hate the name Guy Joe. I'm glad no animals were harmed. The cover is the best thing about this book. That's all I've got.