House of the Dead (Film)

 

Spoiler alert for the entire "plot" of this movie.

At some point, I decided I hate my life just enough that I would watch bad horror movies so I could post about them on here. What better place to start than House of the Dead? Unfortunately, I couldn't find it airing on TV like the first time I tortured myself with it, so I paid actual money to have a bad time again. $3.99 on Vudu.

House of the Dead is 90 minutes long and I'm going to save everyone some time right from the start. If you want to watch a good zombie film, watch Train to Busan instead. If you want to watch a "bad" zombie film, watch My Boyfriend's Back. Just don't waste precious time watching this disaster.

Video game movies are notoriously bad. I think the general consensus is that the "best" one is Silent Hill, but let's be honest, that movie was horrible, too, and it didn't do the game justice at all. and the sequel was an abomination (what did they do to Vincent???). The first Resident Evil film was okay as its own thing, but I feel like...Why even make a movie based on a game if it's not, you know, based on the actual game? Granted, they sort of based the second film on Nemesis, but that was a trainwreck. Personally, I think the only good video game movie is Corpse Party. My reason for talking about all of this is to point out that there are so many bad movies based on video games that it's almost an achievement to be the worst one ever made, so congratulations, Uwe Boll. You did it.

Two things before I get started. What is Jurgen Prochnow doing in this movie? He was in In the Mouth of Madness, he's better than this. Also, the music in this movie...Makes me want to die. That's all.

House of the Dead starts off with some guy (yes, "some guy," I can't even be bothered to find out his name) talking like he's a detective from an old film noir from the 40's. But it's badly delivered and sounds extremely forced.

A group of friends go to an island for a rave. None of them are really dressed for it or even seem like the kind of people who would go to a rave...Or know what that is. Anyway, these 20-somethings miss their boat and try to hitch a ride on a fishing boat instead. The captain is hesitant to take them because of the reputation the island has, but they offer him $1,000 and suddenly the island isn't that dangerous anymore. (Side note, I understand that this movie was made in 2003, but the hair, makeup and clothes are atrocious.)

On the island, the zombie outbreak begins. Who knows or cares why. The zombie makeup is comical in a really bad way. After the first attack, we get our first glimpse into how the visionary director decided to scatter clips of the actual game into random scenes throughout the film. God help me.

When the group from the boat arrives on the island, the rave has been completely abandoned. No big deal though, they see nothing suspicious about that and are going to get drunk anyway because at least the alcohol is still there. The only one who seems the least bit concerned is the redhead, whose name I don't know because the movie wasn't worth devoting my full attention to a second time. The group splits up, with one of the guys and his girlfriend staying at the rave site and the readhead leading her two friends into a creepy house in the woods where they're almost attacked by the few survivors from the zombie attack. The survivors show them a video of the rave when the attack began. Everyone agrees they need to get off the island, but first, they have to find the two people they left behind earlier.

When they get back to the rave though, one of their friends is a zombie. Luckily for them, a woman with a gun (who was chasing down the captain earlier) shows up and shoots her. She asks to be taken to the captain so they can get to safety. When they get to the boat, there's no sign of the captain and the boat is overrun with zombies. As all hell breaks loose while bad techno music plays in the background, the captain shows up, on land, to help eliminate some of the zombies. Unfortunately for him, he gets bitten. He really should have asked for more than $1,000.

Deciding that the best thing to do until they're rescued (because the boat is overrun and it's too far out in the ocean now) is return to the house in the woods, everyone makes their way back there, armed with weapons the captain was smuggling. In front of the house is a horde of zombies and we're "gifted" with the worst fight scene in movie history. Horrible music, camera work, editing, more of those weird cuts to the actual game. It's amazing that these people, most of whom have probably never held a gun or any other weapon, are so incredibly accurate with their shots. They're shooting one handed, too, and I don't know a damn thing about guns, but that seems strange. Anyway, this entire fight scene literally goes on for about eight minutes and it's overkill.

After 57 years, they finally get into the house, a couple people short of what they started with. The captain has been bitten again and things aren't looking good. Leaving the captain alone on a table, they go to check out the rest of the house and find a strange lab with several shriveled up corpses inside. The med school student checks a blood sample left behind in there that he says has been mutated and says it's "genius." Nothing about any of this is genius. Meanwhile, the captain takes a stroll outside, lights a stick of dynamite and blows up some of the remaining zombies.

Back in the lab, there's a weird tadpole creature inside a tank. And one of the girls stupidly decides to shoot it. When the blood from the tank spills out, it begins reanimating the corpses scattered about. One of the guys is grabbed in an attempt to be heroic and he blows up a barrel of gunpowder so the others can escape. We're now down to three people. And then two. And then three again because some random person saves them, only to lead them into a trap.

Basically...This new guy created zombies so he could be immortal. Or something. The redhead escapes with the med school student (her ex, by the way, but who cares), but the immortal Frankenstein's monster chases after them and we're forced to sit through another techno fight scene where the redhead is stabbed and dies, but not before killing the supposedly immortal being. The only remaining person is rescued by a helicopter, and he brings his now [most likely] undead  girlfriend with him. The end.

You know how some movies are so bad they're actually good? This isn't one of them. This post doesn't do justice to how bad this movie actually is. That being said, I still think everyone should watch it at least once. Misery loves company and all that.