How to Survive a Horror Movie by Seth Grahame-Smith

 

The scariest thing is trying to take a picture without Jack knocking things over.

Honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm stuck inside a horror movie. Receiving flowers at work from a man who knows who I am, but I have no idea who he is? Check. Someone threatening children if we don't give him a pair of gloves (which we do not have, because we are a library, not a department store)? Check. Lights flickering off when you enter book storage and things falling off the wall when no one is near them? Double check. 

Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you were stuck inside a scary movie? Did you ever consider how you would react and whether or not you would live long enough to see the closing credits? If so, Seth Grahame-Smith has you covered.

With chapters dedicated to every type of horror movie villain you could possibly encounter, How to Survive a Horror Movie will teach you how to determine if, you are in fact, in a horror movie and what actions to take from there. You'll learn about the 7 deadly horror movie sins, harbingers of impending doom, 10 places to never go, how to survive a slasher/seemingly inanimate objects/supernatural beings and how to know if you made it to the sequel (it doesn't feel right to congratulate you if you did, you'll just have to go through the nightmare all over again and unless you're the main character, you'll probably die).

To me, this is a display book. It's a fun, quick read, but it's something that I'm not likely to pick up again (not because it's bad, but because I've learned all I can from it already). It's a book that will look cute and interesting on my horror shelves. It does have some nice artwork and it's entertaining, but it's really not the kind of book you'll find yourself reading over and over again...Unless you're the unlucky sort and you find yourself in these situations often.

The Beauty of Horror - Haunt This Journal by Alan Robert

 "Do as you wish, may it be fun. But what you unleash, cannot be undone."

Disclaimer: I am not artistic or creative in any way. This is another book I bought just to display on my horror shelves.

I own several of the Beauty of Horror coloring books and I love the artwork in them, so that was another reason I decided to purchase it.

I left this journal out next to my bed for several nights because I kept meaning to write this post. Every single night, I had to flip it over before I went to sleep. The artwork on the cover scared me almost as much as the original illustrations in Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. Even if I wasn't looking directly at it, I didn't like knowing it was there.

The journal includes many different activities (and a lot of blank space so you can draw if you'd like to). Some of the various things you're tasked with doing are lighting a candle to ask spirits questions (a high flame means yes, a low flame means no), bringing the journal into a dark room and asking out loud if you're alone, checking underneath your bed, hosting a séance on Friday the 13th, arranging dolls next to your bed so they can "watch" you sleep...Basically, all things I'm too scared to do.

Some activities require you to "destroy" pages in the book, either by cutting them, burning them or stabbing them. If you're buying this book for a child, adult supervision is highly recommended. There's also a Ouija board and voodoo doll, so maybe explain the dangers of using those things to your kids. And if you're thinking, "Who would buy this for a child?" my parents would have. It happens.

At the end of the journal, if you survive the questionable things it asks you to do, there's a checklist asking you what you experienced while filling it in. Did you creep yourself out? Get eyerolls from your family? Hear voices? (Congratulations, you probably summoned yourself a demon with the Ouija board.)

Even as someone who isn't creative, I love this journal. It's genuinely creepy and the activities are fun, if you're not afraid of your own shadow like I am.

Oh, and hey...Here's what's coming up the rest of the year.

Early Halloween Decor Shopping

Each year around June, seasonal depression kicks in for me. I know that for most people, seasonal depression occurs during winter. For me, it's summer. Knowing I have to get through several months of extreme temperatures makes me absolutely miserable. I think my brain's way of coping is to go into complete denial and start planning for Halloween by searching online for decorations. It's still early and most stores aren't putting their Halloween items out just yet, but I did want to post about a couple things I purchased recently. Have to kick off the Halloween festivities at some point, right?

As I said, I've only bought a couple things so far. The first is this adorable Halloween-themed Ouija board from MeantToBeeCreative on Etsy.

I debated bringing this thing into my home, even though there's no planchette, I never plan on using it and I don't exactly believe in ghosts. (I could be wrong.) I have nightmares about my bedroom on a regular basis, about the room itself being possessed and evil. I almost felt like bringing a Ouija board in here was asking for trouble. Yet, here we are. And I love it. (The pumpkin in the picture is from CVS last year.)

I also bought a light up skull wax warmer. Normally, I prefer candles, but I'm really terrible about trimming the wicks and it results in a lot of black smoke, so I thought, maybe, I should go with wax melts for a while. Which brings me to the last part of this post...

I ordered wax melts in some of my favorite fall scents (excluding Magical Mermaid, that's a summer scent) from my favorite candle company, Candles by Victoria. Victoria used to offer these melts in mason jars, but she recently switched over to packaging them in bags, so I bought and labeled my own jars. I wanted to put them on display. She has a ton of different shapes available, but my favorites are Fall and Halloween. I'm bad at describing scents, but these are all incredible and I've ordered them multiple times. I like to mix Granny's Pie Crust and Caramel Apple together, it's the nicest bakery scent.

Hopefully within the next couple months, more Halloween decorations will be available and I can make another post with some fun decor.

The Are You Afraid of the Dark? Campfire Companion by Jose Prendes

 

"Getting scared isn't necessarily about what you're seeing; it's about what you think you might see." - D.J. MacHale

This isn't really a review because I'll also be talking about my own thoughts on Are You Afraid of the Dark? as well towards the end.

If you're a fan of the series, this is a really great book to own. Part of me wishes I had bought a physical copy instead of purchasing it for my Kindle, it would look great on my horror shelves next to Pumpkin Cinema. Jose Prendes is extremely knowledgeable about Are You Afraid of the Dark? (and horror in general, he mentions The Midnight Hour at one point, my favorite Halloween movie of all time).

This Companion book includes a detailed episode guide by season, including every episode title, original U.S. airdate, who it was written and directed by, guest stars, the author's favorite line, summaries of the opening and closing campfires and the tale, a review of the overall episode and series mythology (recurring characters and trivia). There are interviews with the cast and crew (including D.J. MacHale, Jason Alisharan and Ross Hull) where we learn that the first season of the show was filmed in a studio, before moving to a warehouse in season 2. (I always truly believed they brought these kids into the middle of the woods at night to film.) There's also a storyteller tally (Surprisingly, Tucker beats Gary by 1, with 13 stories) and a list of merchandise that was sold (novels, a board game and a video game). 

I really enjoyed reading through this book and seeing Jose's thoughts on each episode. It's been a long time since I've seen most of them (I still watch my favorite episodes occasionally), so it was a nice reminder of a show I loved so much as a child. If you're a fan of the series, definitely check the book out, though I recommend the actual book. I noticed several issues in the Kindle version (typographical and also some pictures seemed to be missing).

Every time I think about Are You Afraid of the Dark? now, I ask myself why a group of kids would go into the woods in the middle of the night. Wouldn't they be scared? And then I remember I did exactly that when I used to sleep over my friend's house when we were in middle school. This is a topic for another post, but I think as kids, we didn't always realize the kind of danger we could have been in. Of course things scared us, we used to stay up all night telling scary stories, trying to one up each other. But it's not the same as being an adult and walking home late at night, alone, in the dark, and knowing someone could be following behind you. That never occurred to me when I was younger and so I think it's completely possible that the Midnight Society met in the woods late at night to tell scary stories around the campfire.

To end things, here's a list of my top 3 episodes of Are You Afraid of the Dark?:

1. The Tale of the Pinball Wizard (Season 1, Episode 13) - As someone who grew up on video games, this episode was really fun. I also have a tendency to enjoy things that don't have a happy ending.
2. The Tale of the Midnight Madness (Season 2, Episode 2) - This episode is the reason I watched Nosferatu and developed a love for German Expressionism in silent films.
3. The Tale of the Dark Music (Season 1, Episode 11) - I've had a fear of basements ever since I can remember. For years, I had a recurring nightmare about the basement in my grandmother's house. I wouldn't even be surprised if it was because of this episode.

Beneath a Pale Sky by Philip Fracassi

I received Beneath a Pale Sky in the June 2021 Night Worms package and I was excited to read it. Short story collections are nice because they usually feature a wide variety of stories and you're likely to find at least a few that you enjoy. This book features 6 stories previously published elsewhere, and two new stories Philip Fracassi wrote exclusively for this collection (Harvest and The Wheel).

Beneath a Pale Sky features tales about a raging tornado, a fateful night out, the anxiety that comes with moving to a new town, alien creatures, mental illness (ID reminds me of House of Leaves), and more.

Originally, I was going to rate each story, but I decided not to do that because I can't separate the stories themselves from the way they made me feel while reading them. The fact that they were able to draw a strong reaction from me means that they're well written, but at the same time, it also made me not want to continue reading them. It's a kind of horror I wasn't expecting, something I would typically stay away from because it's almost too realistic. That's not a negative thing, mind you, unless you're like me and your emotions get the best of you and you're already an anxious person by nature. So I guess I'm writing this more as a warning. These stories are terrifying. They include a lot of violence and gore. You should be aware that some stories deal with suicide, depression and sexual abuse. For me, reading The Wheel was extremely upsetting, as someone who lives in New York and remembers everything about 9/11, it played on a fear I've had since that day. It's even mentioned in that story.

 If you enjoy horror that has a touch of realism to it, I think you'd really like this book. It's not all based on reality, but you can find it there. A few of these stories seem like they could be complete fantasy, depending on which angle you look at it from. If you're like me and you can't read something as just a story and you sit there and think about it long after you've finished reading, then maybe skip over this one.

House of the Dead (Film)

 

Spoiler alert for the entire "plot" of this movie.

At some point, I decided I hate my life just enough that I would watch bad horror movies so I could post about them on here. What better place to start than House of the Dead? Unfortunately, I couldn't find it airing on TV like the first time I tortured myself with it, so I paid actual money to have a bad time again. $3.99 on Vudu.

House of the Dead is 90 minutes long and I'm going to save everyone some time right from the start. If you want to watch a good zombie film, watch Train to Busan instead. If you want to watch a "bad" zombie film, watch My Boyfriend's Back. Just don't waste precious time watching this disaster.

Video game movies are notoriously bad. I think the general consensus is that the "best" one is Silent Hill, but let's be honest, that movie was horrible, too, and it didn't do the game justice at all. and the sequel was an abomination (what did they do to Vincent???). The first Resident Evil film was okay as its own thing, but I feel like...Why even make a movie based on a game if it's not, you know, based on the actual game? Granted, they sort of based the second film on Nemesis, but that was a trainwreck. Personally, I think the only good video game movie is Corpse Party. My reason for talking about all of this is to point out that there are so many bad movies based on video games that it's almost an achievement to be the worst one ever made, so congratulations, Uwe Boll. You did it.

Two things before I get started. What is Jurgen Prochnow doing in this movie? He was in In the Mouth of Madness, he's better than this. Also, the music in this movie...Makes me want to die. That's all.

House of the Dead starts off with some guy (yes, "some guy," I can't even be bothered to find out his name) talking like he's a detective from an old film noir from the 40's. But it's badly delivered and sounds extremely forced.

A group of friends go to an island for a rave. None of them are really dressed for it or even seem like the kind of people who would go to a rave...Or know what that is. Anyway, these 20-somethings miss their boat and try to hitch a ride on a fishing boat instead. The captain is hesitant to take them because of the reputation the island has, but they offer him $1,000 and suddenly the island isn't that dangerous anymore. (Side note, I understand that this movie was made in 2003, but the hair, makeup and clothes are atrocious.)

On the island, the zombie outbreak begins. Who knows or cares why. The zombie makeup is comical in a really bad way. After the first attack, we get our first glimpse into how the visionary director decided to scatter clips of the actual game into random scenes throughout the film. God help me.

When the group from the boat arrives on the island, the rave has been completely abandoned. No big deal though, they see nothing suspicious about that and are going to get drunk anyway because at least the alcohol is still there. The only one who seems the least bit concerned is the redhead, whose name I don't know because the movie wasn't worth devoting my full attention to a second time. The group splits up, with one of the guys and his girlfriend staying at the rave site and the readhead leading her two friends into a creepy house in the woods where they're almost attacked by the few survivors from the zombie attack. The survivors show them a video of the rave when the attack began. Everyone agrees they need to get off the island, but first, they have to find the two people they left behind earlier.

When they get back to the rave though, one of their friends is a zombie. Luckily for them, a woman with a gun (who was chasing down the captain earlier) shows up and shoots her. She asks to be taken to the captain so they can get to safety. When they get to the boat, there's no sign of the captain and the boat is overrun with zombies. As all hell breaks loose while bad techno music plays in the background, the captain shows up, on land, to help eliminate some of the zombies. Unfortunately for him, he gets bitten. He really should have asked for more than $1,000.

Deciding that the best thing to do until they're rescued (because the boat is overrun and it's too far out in the ocean now) is return to the house in the woods, everyone makes their way back there, armed with weapons the captain was smuggling. In front of the house is a horde of zombies and we're "gifted" with the worst fight scene in movie history. Horrible music, camera work, editing, more of those weird cuts to the actual game. It's amazing that these people, most of whom have probably never held a gun or any other weapon, are so incredibly accurate with their shots. They're shooting one handed, too, and I don't know a damn thing about guns, but that seems strange. Anyway, this entire fight scene literally goes on for about eight minutes and it's overkill.

After 57 years, they finally get into the house, a couple people short of what they started with. The captain has been bitten again and things aren't looking good. Leaving the captain alone on a table, they go to check out the rest of the house and find a strange lab with several shriveled up corpses inside. The med school student checks a blood sample left behind in there that he says has been mutated and says it's "genius." Nothing about any of this is genius. Meanwhile, the captain takes a stroll outside, lights a stick of dynamite and blows up some of the remaining zombies.

Back in the lab, there's a weird tadpole creature inside a tank. And one of the girls stupidly decides to shoot it. When the blood from the tank spills out, it begins reanimating the corpses scattered about. One of the guys is grabbed in an attempt to be heroic and he blows up a barrel of gunpowder so the others can escape. We're now down to three people. And then two. And then three again because some random person saves them, only to lead them into a trap.

Basically...This new guy created zombies so he could be immortal. Or something. The redhead escapes with the med school student (her ex, by the way, but who cares), but the immortal Frankenstein's monster chases after them and we're forced to sit through another techno fight scene where the redhead is stabbed and dies, but not before killing the supposedly immortal being. The only remaining person is rescued by a helicopter, and he brings his now [most likely] undead  girlfriend with him. The end.

You know how some movies are so bad they're actually good? This isn't one of them. This post doesn't do justice to how bad this movie actually is. That being said, I still think everyone should watch it at least once. Misery loves company and all that.

Night Worms June 2021 Spoilers/Review

 

This was my first time placing an order with Night Worms and I want to start off by saying...I am very much not a fan of subscription boxes. I subscribed to Boxycharm, received a bunch of things I knew I would never use and cancelled after a month because I realized I could use the money I was spending to purchase 5 products I didn't even like, on an item I actually wanted.

So why did I decide to give Night Worms a chance? One day, I just happened to remember the Scholastic Book Club flyer we used to get in elementary school and there was a subscription you could get through them that I believe was either exclusively R. L. Stine books or it was a horror subscription that included a lot of R. L. Stine books. Either way, you would get a horror book every month, with a few fun extras to go along with it. I loved it. I went to Google and searched to see if, 500 years later, it still existed, but it does not. (Seriously, R. L. Stine should start a subscription box with his books.) So, I decided to go with the more grown-up version and give Night Worms a try, after over a year of going back and forth with myself about it. (I did do a bit of searching beforehand and found out that at least one of the books was a short story collection, which meant there was a good chance that there would be something I enjoyed in there.)

Let's talk about what Night Worms actually is. It is a monthly horror subscription and you will receive two books with some extras thrown in. (You'll see examples of those extras further down in this post.) Essentially, it's a horror book club, not your typical subscription box. Each month has a specific theme and the books you receive aren't random, everyone receives the same items (and there will be hints about which books are in each month's box so you're not completely in the dark). The extra items aren't useless things that will sit around collecting dust either, which is nice. There are enough things collecting dust in my room as it is. I'm not sure how book subscription boxes normally work, but I do know with a lot of popular beauty subscription boxes, the value of the box is usually at least "double" the price you pay for it. (Is it really double if the makeup you receive is on sale and can be found at TJ Maxx for a fraction of the price?) Night Worms probably is worth more than what you're paying for it, when you include the extra items. The June box costs $39.99 (if you subscribe monthly, you'll receive a discount) before shipping, and shipping was $8.45, bringing my total to $48.44 before using their code (TAKE5) for $5 off my first order. It's pretty pricey, but if the books are fun, I really don't mind paying that price. It seems like a lot of love goes into these packages.

So, what's in this month's "Darkest Fears" box? (Spoilers ahead.)

The books for this month are Beneath a Pale Sky by Philip Fracassi and Goblin by Josh Malerman. I've never read anything by either of these authors, but I have seen Bird Box...I know, I know, it's not the same as reading the book. I am excited to read both of these books though (and I'll be back with review of them in a couple weeks, hopefully). Goblin is currently available to purchase, but Beneath a Pale Sky hasn't been released yet, so that's another bonus of subscribing to Night Worms, you can receive advanced copies of upcoming horror novels. These are both story collections, although Goblin is a collection of stories that are part of a larger story. Like I said earlier, a lot of the reason I bought this month's box is because I knew there would be a short story collection and I felt like it would increase my chances of enjoying these books. When you're purchasing something without actually knowing what it is, there's always the risk, like I've already said, of not liking it. A short story collection usually has something for everyone. That being said, now that both books are in my possession and I know what they are, they sound really interesting.

How about the extras?

As you can see, there's a lot included here. You get some promotional materials for upcoming horror novels, signed book plates from Philip Fracassi and Josh Malerman, a bookmark with this month's theme on it, a really cute sticker with ghosts inside a mason jar...And then. There's tea. I don't drink tea, the last time I drank tea was like, 6 years ago when my ex brought me tea at work because I wasn't feeling well. This does sound good though, it's peach/apricot green tea, so I'll definitely try it. You also receive a soundtrack to Carpenter's Farm, a serialized novel by Josh Malerman. Does anyone else not own a CD player? I own CDs, I still buy CDs. But I don't actually own a CD player. My PC doesn't even have a disk drive. So I'll need to find a way to listen to this.

Overall, I think my first Night Worms package was really fun. Would I subscribe monthly? No. Here's why. I have no room for any more books. I recently bought a Kindle, even though I hate ebooks, because I knew I could not fit one more book on my shelves or in my closet. (And then I bought 13 more books anyway.) I need to be very selective about what I buy now because I have nowhere to put it, which means it will sit on my desk until the end of time. Would I order again based on the theme for that month? Absolutely. If they have a theme I'm very interested in, I won't even hesitate to order it. This is exactly what I was hoping it would be, an adult version of that Scholastic horror subscription from when I was a kid.

The Haunted Forest Tour by James A Moore and Jeff Strand (No Major Spoilers)

 

"So fasten your seatbelts, unfasten your imagination, ask the person next to you for permission to grab them if things get scary, and get ready to experience the awesome sights of...the Halloween Haunted Forest Tour!"

Have you ever tried to write something based on notes you took two years ago, that you have no recollection of? Because that's what's going on right now. I'm going to try to piece all of this together and hope that I get it right. Is it professional? No. But this is a blog no one knows about, that I created just so I could talk about a bunch of random horror-related things, so I think it's okay.

I was browsing Amazon one night (two years ago) and saw that this book had 300+ reviews (it has more now) with a 4 1/2 star rating, so I decided to read more about it and I was sold on it immediately. The title alone is great, but the plot summary on the back of the book made it sound like Jurassic Park meets Cabin in the Woods. Those are two of my favorite movies of all time, so I couldn't wait to start reading it.

The Haunted Forest Tour (the book, not the actual tour in the book) begins in the town of Cromay, four years ago, where a large tree has suddenly sprouted through a man's porch. Then another appears, from nowhere. And another. Pine trees are sprouting up in the middle of the desert, destroying an entire town and resulting in many casualties.

Our main character is Christopher, a 38 year old divorced workaholic. His mother wins tickets (by having knowledge of horror movie trivia) for them to go to the Haunted Forest Tour on Halloween. The exclusive Halloween tour, not available to the general public. The tour began a year ago, with a track around the forest's perimeter, inside armored trams. The Halloween tour, however, goes through the forest, right in the center of all the monsters who occupy it. Don't worry, though, they have a "100% safety record." (Where have I heard that before?)

I guess at some point, Christopher and the rest of the characters we're introduced to get on the tram for the tour, because the next thing my notes say is "The power for the tram shuts down while all kinds of monsters inch closer to it." That's okay though, we can get right into the action! Instead of being rescued by the next tram taking the tour, it plows right into them at full speed (there goes their 100% safety record). After the monsters eat the tourists in the "secure" tram that came crashing into Christopher's tram, they try to infiltrate that one as well, before the tourists open fire on them. (Good thing they keep weapons on board the trams.) Everyone is forced to evacuate and venture out into the forest.

I have a lot of notes after this, but it's a full on plot summary and I don't really want to spoil the rest of the book, so I'm going to skip over all of that and get to my thoughts. I think everything going to hell happened too early in the book. It would have benefited from developing the characters and company a bit more. Because the majority of the book was about the attack and attempted escape from the forest, it felt like it went on for longer than it should have. It was still a quick, fun read, I never felt myself thinking, "I wish this would end already." But it did seem like it could have been more balanced. Overall, The Haunted Forest Tour was predictable, but enjoyable.

Death Count (Spoilers): More casualties than Jurassic Park, but less than the amount of casualties that probably occurred after Cabin in the Woods' ending.